About God...

In the last few days I have come to an incredible realization about God.

I was talking to Cindy the other day and I was depressed and feeling down and she was talking me through it and at one point I said that I feel like I have failed God. She said, " Oh Tricia! you know that's not possible. You may be a little off track, but He still loves you." (or something to that effect).

And the truth is. until THAT moment. I didn't know that was possible. I mean, I knew it was possible..and I believed that for OTHER people, but I didn't believe it for ME. If that makes sense.

I have always had this feeling in me that if I am not doing what I should---going to church, praying, reading my Bible--I don't really have the "right" to ask God to help and I certainly didn't EXPECT him to. I would pray but in the back of my head would be this thinking of how he wasn't really hearing me because of the way I was living.

And the other day when I had this realization it became SO CLEAR that even though I SHOULD go to church and even though I SHOULD pray daily and even though I SHOULD read my Bible, because I LOVE HIM and want to honor HIM and it pleases Him. The fact that I have strayed away from doing the things I SHOULD. Has NO bearing on how much He loves me and takes care of me and provides for me. None at all. I am His child and He loves me.

And I think back to all the times I have given God credit for things in my life but really in the back of my head thought that it wasn't REALLY God because how could it be when I was failing him so miserably?

It sounds so stupid, I know. I'm sure some of you are thinking, "of course God loves you no matter what, duh!" It's just been a long time coming for me. I think a lot of it has to do with the church I was raised in and the beliefs we had and it has taken a long long long time to get past some of that thinking--which is the reason we don't currently go to church--because I can't figure out which one is "right". Maybe I need a non-denominational church.

Anyway, I feel SO GOOD that I have realized this and I have prayed more in the last few days than I have in a LONG time..and I know that He is hearing me..because that's what He does.